• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
  • Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
  • Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
  • If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
  • Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
  • If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
  • Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
  • Aren't all generalizations false?
  • Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
  • Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
  • Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
  • How can you tell when your out of invisible ink?
  • Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
  • Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?
  • Did Adam and Eve have navels?
  • Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
  • Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
  • Do fish get cramps after eating?
  • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  • Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
  • Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
  • Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
  • Does anybody ever vanish with a trace?
  • Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
  • Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
  • Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  • How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
  • How can someone "draw a blank"?
  • How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
  • How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
  • How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
  • How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
  • How do you know when sour cream goes bad?
  • How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
  • How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
  • How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you're nerver in darkness?
  • How is it possible to have a civil war?
  • If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
  • If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?
  • If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  • If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
  • If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  • If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
  • If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
  • If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
  • If God dropped acid, would he see people?
  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  • How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
  • How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
  • If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
  • If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
  • If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
  • If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
  • If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
  • If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
  • If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
  • If a jogger runs at the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?
  • If a man speaks and their is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
  • If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
  • If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?
  • If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
  • If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  • If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  • If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
  • If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
  • What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
  • If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
  • If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
  • If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
  • If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
  • If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
  • If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  • If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the inside of the tube?
  • If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?
  • If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  • If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
  • If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
  • If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
  • If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
  • If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
  • If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
  • If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
  • If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
  • If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?
  • If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
  • If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
  • If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
  • If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?
  • If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
  • If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
  • If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?
  • If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
  • If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
  • If you take a shower, where do you put it?
  • If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
  • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  • If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
  • If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
  • Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only be troubled and insecure?
  • Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
  • Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?
  • Is there a Dr. Salt?
  • Isn't it a little scary that a doctors work is called practice?
  • Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
  • Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
  • Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
  • Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
  • Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?
  • Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
  • What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
  • What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
  • What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
  • What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
  • What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
  • What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
  • What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
  • What happened to the first 6 ups?
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?
  • What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
  • What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • What's another word for synonym?
  • When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?
  • When people lose weight, where does it go?
  • When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
  • When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
  • When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
  • Who invented accents?
  • Who named everything?
  • Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
  • Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
  • Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
  • Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room?
  • Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
  • Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  • Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
  • Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?
  • Why aren't there bullet-proof pants?
  • Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
  • Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop eventually?
  • Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band sound like?
  • Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
  • Why do guys wear underpants?
  • Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
  • Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
  • Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
  • Why do they report power outages on TV?
  • Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
  • Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?
  • Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
  • Why do we have hot water heaters?
  • Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
  • Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
  • Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
  • Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
  • Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
  • Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
  • Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
  • Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
  • Why does bottled water have an expiration date?
  • Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
  • Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
  • Why don't you ever see baby pigions?
  • Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
  • Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
  • Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
  • Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
  • Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
  • Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
  • Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
  • Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
  • Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
  • Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
  • Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
  • Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
  • Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
  • Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
  • Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
  • Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
  • Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  • Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  • You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
  • Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
  • After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
  • You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
  • Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
  • Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
  • Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
  • Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
  • Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
  • Have ex-punsters been expunged?
  • When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
  • Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
  • Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
  • Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do orientals throw hamburgers?
  • Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
  • Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
  • Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk?
  • The light went out, but where to?
  • Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
  • Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
  • If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
  • If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
  • Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
  • Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
  • War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
  • Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
  • If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
  • Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
  • What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
  • Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
  • Is it possible to be totally partial?
  • What's another word for thesaurus?
  • If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
  • Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
  • Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  • How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
  • Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
  • Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
  • Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
  • Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
  • How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?
  • How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot... and something cold, cold?
  • What is the speed of dark?
  • Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
  • How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
  • If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
  • When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
  • Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
  • Why are cigarettes sold in gas station when smoking is prohibited there?
  • Where are Preparations A through G?
  • When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
  • Why does your nose run and your feet smell?