Since tearing down all of our walls, offices, and dividers in favor of one large, open room with rows of desks, we’ve received anecdotal reports that rather than fostering camaraderie and creative breakthroughs, the new space is “distracting” and “demoralizing.”

Our open floor plan was decided upon after rigorous research that primarily involved looking at what cool internet companies were doing and reflexively copying them. We’re dismayed and confused as to why their model isn’t succeeding for our own business, and have concluded that we just haven’t embraced the open floor plan ideals as fully as we possibly can.

So team, let’s take this open floor plan to the next level! In the spirit of transparency and collaboration, we’re implementing the following policies:

  • All tables, chairs, and filing cabinets will be replaced by see-through plastic furnishings.
  • To spur interactions between departments, all desks will be mounted on wheels and arranged into four-desk clusters. At random intervals throughout the day, a whistle will blow, at which point you should quickly roll your desk into a new cluster. Leftover employees who don’t fit into a four-desk cluster will have their salaries docked.
  • You will no longer have access to instant messaging, which leads to private, non-collaborative conversations. If you need to communicate with another employee without leaving your workstation, stand up and address them with your supplied megaphone.
  • So that we all know each other’s names, all men will be renamed “Dave” and all women will be renamed “Linda.”
  • Employees’ desktops will be randomly projected onto a movie screen in the center of the office.
  • You can now dial into a designated phone line to listen in on any calls taking place within the office and add your opinion.
  • To encourage a sense that the CEO is metaphorically in the trenches with you, we will literally put him in the trenches with you during weekly combat-style paintball/brainstorm sessions.
  • CEO now stands for “Creative Energy Oracle.”
  • The CEO will prod creativity with a designated creativity prod.
  • We value all of your ideas equally, so all decisions will be made by randomly drawing employees’ proposals out of a hat.
  • Window space will be replaced by whiteboards. Natural light will be replaced by regular vitamin D injections.
  • Headphones are antisocial. From now on, music will be provided by DJ Deliverables, spinning by the water cooler. (He does not take requests.)
  • Standup meetings will be phased out in favor of relay race meetings on treadmill desks.
  • To engage the surrounding community, we have turned the conference room into a free coffee and internet lounge. Please expect slower internet connections and long waits for the bathroom.

Thanks for your cooperation! Any complaints can be submitted to the provided box in the kitchen to be used in our weekly Negate the Negativity Bonfire.