It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month

The guy who invented the hokey pokey died yesterday....yeahh its sad isnt it...the bad thing was that they couldnt get him in his coffin cuz he has his right hand in and his left hand out..

If you've ended up in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

They have just discovered a food that prevents a woman from having sex. It's called "wedding cake".

A woman always has the last word to an argument. Why? Because as soon as the man opens his mouth again...it is the start of another argument.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan

The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

I live in my own little world.
But it's OK...they know me here.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes . . . I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades . . . now THAT'S a message!!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks . . . but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Bill Gates' Law: Every 18 months, the speed of software halves.

Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

Due to the current economic situation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off until further notice.

Can you...
imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining managing an imaginary menagerie?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why are men like guns?
Keep one around long enough and eventually you're going to want to shoot it.

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

What do you get when 20 violinists start playing at the same time but play different songs?
A senseless act of violins.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Bill went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called "How to master Your Wife".

The salesgirl responded, "Our science fiction section is upstairs."

Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender!

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.